There is no problem about why the worst came is because I was trying to stop myself from feeling emotions because my father often stoped us from expressing them. BUT NOW A DAYS IT IS A JOY TO FEEL THEM RIGHT AWAY. kNOW PAIN WHEN IST THERE. THE SAME WITH HAPPINESS.

Or I walk into a room thinking I have to get that and end up forgetting because it isn`t realy important...
I even desribed a pereon to someone saying that they were not a man or a woman (far before sex change operation were talked about a lot)....

And one of my favorite thing to do is laugth at myself. Does it happen to you when you are calm youre is wondering and you end up sayin g the funniest thing in youre head. Me I actually get to lagth at myself when I end up saying the wrong word. Lets say instead of saying I am going to take the dog for a walk I am taking an apple (I lack originality but when it happens I can tell you that I might laugth at myself for an hour at least).

And I have alot to look forward too. Nephews, friend (who is a man who cares a lot about me), good friends here, in life. And seriously do not worry. I am actually a very deep person so with me matters as serious as that might pop up but they aren`t to be taken as a bad thing. For it is a part of life and that is itr specialy when I try to stay objective about describing stuff like now.

Please do not worry about me. I know to whom I can talk (a lot of members of divine.ca, groups, phonelines. the therapist...)

And I can tell you right now my wish to live that comes from the deepest recess of me. ALWAYS made me understand when I reach these time is to get help. YOU WOULD AMAZED TO SEE THE LARGE NETWORK OF LINES FOR THAT HERE.And the therapist that I spoke earlier is the best to figure out limits and what I went beyond.

With Lucien there is no danger of that. In is family someone did it and he is very attentive to my reactions when I am with him and he is the one who figured first that I got rape by the worst ex of mine

I was trying to be more matter or fact not to worry you. But if I ever get to that point I know where to call and go for help. And when it does happen it is when I go against my limits.

Do not worry Death and stuff I like that is so far away from me now.

It is funny in away because during that time I was trying to put my intuition and instinct in box. Becausei felt so different (being able to connect with beings). Meaning I might get to know who people are before they figure themselves out.

The medias have influenced me from my teens untill 3 years ago.

I have been sexualy abused when I was in the third grade

I still have to work on being a people pleaser. My impulses­.Being protective ( Have learnt why my family has over protective I was stuck with a problem that stop me from being able to breath properly (it is a common illness when a kid). My parents have been over protective since thenand even much earlier. Both are exhausted people pleaser and protector.

I also learnt how to communicate with the heart. And it those work better. Know what defenses are so I can manage a bit better how I reply to people....

The sad prt is that often enough people do not get that they spread who they are. So no one can hide long behind a smile. However with I have learnt that no one is perfect (blablabla) meaning I have controling issues. But issues do not mean that it is ok to abused in anyway.