The More the Merrier

The term "polyamory" comes from the Greek and Latin word for "many loves". It's not like having a lover on the side; that, our society calls cheating. Cheating is breaking the rules of a relationship. Polyamory is about informed consent of all participants, there are no secret lovers. It's different from swinging in that swingers focus solely on recreational sex; though some friendships may form. With polyamory, deeper bonds are the focus, though the sex is often fun. Many people already feel within them the desire to bond with multiple partners. They are often bewildered when they discover that a word exists to describe their approach to relationships, not to mention that there's a whole community of people practicing it. Polyamorous people don’t like to be mistaken for swingers; that's one thing I learned attending a discussion group event organized by a local polyamorous group. I also discovered that they are really just an ordinary, loving bunch of people. No extreme tatoos, no weird piercings, no free-love flower child hippies types, no dominatrix sex mistresses, no fat old balding men wanting to get laid by anyone and everyone; just ordinary people. The only thing that differentiates them from others is their belief that our society is governed by certain myths about love, pleasure and jealousy. Myth 1 - Long-term monogamous relationships are the only real relationships. The idea of monogamy is a relatively new concept in human history and makes us unique among primates. The polyamorous people I've met would argue that everything which can be achieved through monogamous relationships - romantic attachment, personal growth, stable parenting, business partnerships, care and companionship during the aging process- is not only achievable within a polyamorous relationship, it can be of even higher quality, simply because there is a community of loving people who are backing you up in life. Myth 2 - If you love someone, you shouldn't want anyone else This doesn’t usually hold up in practice. The truth about human biology is that we are curious by nature, it's perfectly normal to be attracted to more than one person at a time. Who decides that we are only allowed to love one person? Most of us actually practice "serial monogamy"- jumping from lover to lover, while claiming to be monogamous to each one. But how can we discard the very person we've said we love as soon as the next interesting partner comes along. We are often faced with the dilemma of having to choose one. According to polyamorists, who stay committed to all their partners, you don’t have to stop loving one person to be able to start loving another. Relationships change with time, but true feelings are supposed to remain constant. Love is unpredictable, counterintuitive and unlimited. When you love more than one person, you realize that the more love you give away, the more of it you have to give. Myth 3 - If we care for our partners, we should get jealous This attitude encourages the idea of ownership, which can be damaging to our personal growth. Jealousy, like fear or anger, is just a feeling. It's generally a response to our own feelings; it says more about your own insecurity than about the actions of your partner. Polyamorists argue that jealousy is never the problem; it is the symptom of a problem. It arises when your partner makes you feel vulnerable, mistreated or threatened. So the trick in a poly relationship is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued and loved. The whole concept of polyamory is defined by consent. Good communication is key to a healthy relationship. Obviously, rules exist and boundaries need to be set to keep the relationship in line. To be truly faithful to someone, you need to be honest, compassionate and respectful. One lesson I have learned from my poly pals is that relationships do not come in "one size fits all". For some couples, monogamy truly works. They can stay in that relationship, be happy and never even look at another person. That’s wonderful! But for those who feel a little unfulfilled in a monogamous relationship, there are other options. If this is your case—and please keep in mind that in order to adopt a polyamorous lifestyle, one must be very secure and fully content emotionally—just knowing that there is a polyamourous community in your local neighbourhood may incite you to try something new. Look them up. They don't bite… unless you want them to! CWC