13 Things Your Friends Immediately Assume When You Start Sleeping With Someone New


friends_new_manEven if your friends ask you everything they need to know about your new bed buddy, they will not stop making assumptions about your sex life. Why? Because you and your sex life are intriguing to them, and they’re aching for that “I told you so,” moment. If you don’t give them the dirty deets and try to keep everything low-key, your friends will immediately assume at least 13 of the following instances regarding your new partner. Mine do, at least.

1. You’re still not over your ex
Sure, you may have an affinity for guys who all seem to have sociopathic tendencies when it comes to treating girls the way they should be treated, and your new man may possess some astonishingly similar characteristics when mirrored with your string of ex-boyfriends, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not over your ex. It just means you’re absurd for making the same mistake over and over again. Oh well, live and learn.

2. The guy isn’t looking for a relationship
Most ANNOYING, yet sickeningly likely assumption for those who foresee a long-term relationship with their new partner. It’s also sickeningly likely to assume that you’re going to start craving an attachment with that person and have a flourishing obsession with that person, who clearly isn’t looking for anything more than what’s in your pants.

3. All your time is going to be invested on your new fling
Friends will always get either jealous or annoyed when you start talking about your new man way too much when you two aren’t even in a relationship, and they’re not wrong for that. The more you talk about him, the more they’ll know about him, and the more they’ll assume about your “relationship”, which complicates things. Make sure you don’t overstep your hookup boundaries. It’s more thrilling to keep him a secret.

4. He’s taken
It’s kind of exciting to assume this one. Your partner is a complete stranger to your friends, so naturally your friends are going to have their guard up and make up wild scenarios, mostly for the fun of it. Of course it sounds ridiculous for them to go this far with thinking this, but if the guy you’re with is either slightly shady or too charming, then there’s a chance that this hunch may be true.

5. He’s the one and your friends should happily encourage you to see where this goes
You never know where sexual compatibility takes you, and your friends’ clairvoyant abilities to predict and plan out your wedding will kick into full gear.

6. Or he ain’t sh*t and your friends need to protect you from him
Your friends’ clairvoyant abilities may also employ every defense mechanism possible so he can avoid you and vice versa. You know they are there for you, and they’re right and just for warning you and protecting you from getting hurt by a douchebag, but he’s still so worth obsessing over every second of your life.

7. The sex is prime
No one could ever complain about their assumption that you two undoubtedly have amazing sex. Hell yeah.

8. He’s not your type
Ok, this calls for a well-deserved bitch slap across your friends’ face. This isn’t middle school, you can sleep with whomever you please without worrying about if he’s your type. That’s for you to decide. You can always assimilate to a new type. For example, if you’re into guys who will cook you prime ribs, but your guy buys you expensive things as his way of offering an enticement to f*ck, chances are you’ll dig it.

9. He’s going to “influence” you
It’s entirely true that people do influence each other, but it doesn’t always have to have a negative connotation like it usually does. Everyone has their bad qualities and their good qualities, and it’s up to you to decide which ones will leave their mark on you. Your friends will keep an eye out for you to see if you act differently, so be aware of that, and keep in mind that they are only trying to help you. Don’t get too defensive, either.

10. He has a big ego
Beyonce and Kanye’s “Ego” is his theme song. Your friends may think it’s repulsive, but you find it insanely attractive for some reason. He may be an a**hole, but you’re not asking for a Prince Charming. If he can talk the talk, and walk the walk, then you’ve made it.

11. You’re going to fly back to your ex if something goes wrong
The concurrent beauty and disgust of ex-hookups is that they are ALWAYS down to f*ck, no matter what. Your friends know that if you and BoyToy are having issues, there’s always going to be another hookup on speed dial who will be a reliable one-nighter. For better or worse, your friends will support whatever decision your horny self chooses to make.

12. You can do so much better
Ugh, the constant ineffectiveness of measuring standards is too real, because you can’t see yourself from an outside perspective. Your friends know you can do better, but you know that ultimately it’s all on you to see if he makes the cut. Then again, friends can also be unjust and judgmental, nit-picking all the bad qualities about him while you choose to focus on the good ones. Whatever.

13.Or he’s better and you better not f*ck this one up
Don’t you love and hate it when you’re banging a guy you know is clearly better than you in bed? If he’s willing to teach you the Kama Sutra and perhaps willing to take things a step further, just ride it out. Literally. This is where it would be well-advised that you don’t take your friends’ opinions too seriously. No drama zone. Go get ‘em.

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